I love first things... I'm one of those crazy people who creates change if it isn't happening enough around me. I do this, of course, much to the chagrin of some family and friends (although I like to tell myself they find it endearing...)
I am now embarking on a new season of firsts. I just got home yesterday from my first trip to the continent of Africa, visiting Cairo. I just gave my first week of prayer at a high school. I am graduating with my Masters in 1 month. I am looking for my first position as a pastor. I am soon to be required to make my first student loan payments. And, for the first time, I am truly scared about my future.
I know very well how it must appear that on my first blog, I talk about loving change and being terrified of it. I know I probably sound crazy, so I've been searching my soul to figure this dichotemy out. What makes the difference for me - when do I love change and when do I hate it? And I think I know the answer...at least part of it. I love to be in control of my life. I also believe change is inevitable. When I mix these two things together, I arrive at this intoxicating state of mind that requires that I change things quickly, before "life" does it for me.
But here's the other side of this thought, the side that has been causing all the soul-searching: I call myself a Christian, a follower of Jesus, someone who does what He does and lives how he lived. Where does that fit if I want to be in control and create my own destiny? I'm not sure how it does. Sometimes I wonder just how big my blindspot is for the "American Dream" culture I live in. I fear that it will infiltrate my mindset so deeply that I won't be able to allow God to really be in control of my life (like I say I want him to be).
I have been bucking authority since I was really young - my mom said I was always bossy, but not as often cooperative. And I know during high school, just like all of my friends, we looked really hard for the lines that were the furthest we could go and still be considered "good kids". But I read in a book once that obedience isn't supposed to be rote memory or a show for others to see even when in your heart, you're wishing the exact opposite of what's been asked of you. The author described obedience as dancing. I immediately had the picture of a woman knowing what way to move across the floor, just by the way her partner's hand felt on the small of her back. I knew immediately that obedience, as well as devotion, was much more about response to a connection, than knowing what to do on your own.
And so my blog is called "Dance of Devotion". I'm sure there will be so much that makes this a wonderful journey and so much that challenges it too. But today, maybe for the first time, I really want to dance.
